Children In Stepfamilies – Being Parents

About 50% of marriages end in divorce in France, according to INSEE. With these statistics in hand, we are facing an increasingly common phenomenon in our society: the children of blended families.

New blended family with children

The most common thing is that people, after a separation, want to start a new relationship. But it is highly likely that one or both of them will have children from former partners. And it becomes more complicated when the new partner has common children in addition to those he has already had.

Then we have what we call blended families, where the children live with one of their parents, their spouse and, possibly, their children as well.

For children, the situation can be difficult to cope with. Adjusting to the new situation will depend mainly on the extent to which the separation from the parents is overcome and how the parents deal with the problem.

If the separation was friendly, and the children were not involved in the problems of the adults, adapting to the subsequent decisions of the parents will be much easier. On the other hand, if the parents, or one of them, has not assimilated the situation, the children will live the new life of the parents with a lot of anguish and difficulties.

Possible difficulties for children of blended families

• The younger the children, the easier it will be for them to adjust to the new situation. They will surely accept the new life of their father or mother naturally. On the other hand, one of the most difficult periods is usually between 10 and 14 years. During this period, it is quite possible that the children will face the new situation in a difficult way. They may not understand the role of their parents’ new partner. Hence the typical phrase: “ You do not command me ” or “ You are not my mother ”. On the other hand, from the age of 15, adolescents are more on the margins of the family and are not as affected if there is a good relationship.

• If the parents did not end the relationship on good terms, the children may feel uncomfortable being with the new family. They may feel guilty and even lie to a parent so as not to hurt them. We can evoke the case of a girl who said to her father’s partner: “ I am not telling my mother that I am having a good time with you, because she would start to cry ”. Children want their parents to be happy. A child can only accept the new family if both parents have accepted the separation. Otherwise, they will be in a very difficult situation because they will see the new couple as a rival.

On the other hand

• When there are other children of the new couple. First of all, you have to see if they have a good relationship with each other. The most appropriate thing would be to have them see each other sporadically, let them become friends and gradually introduce them into the relationship of the parents. There may be jealousy between them. If the couple decides to start living with children, it should be borne in mind that the children come from two different families, surely with very different rules, customs and habits.

• Birth of a new common child. If the couple have a new child, it is very important that the others do not feel out of place, because the child will have both father and mother, which could cause jealousy. On the other hand, the birth of a child together can help consolidate the family bond.
• Reproduce the model of the original family. This is a mistake because a blended family will never be able to function like the original family, and the wait for that will bring a lot of frustration.

Tips for improving life with children in stepfamilies

• Space and time. Children need to have their place in the new family, both physical space and space to be with their respective parents. A recommendation would be to try spending time alone with your children doing activities with them, as well as spending time with family. It is important to find a balance so that no one feels left out. Your new partner should also cultivate their relationship with your children and gain their affection and trust.

• Patience. Each child has their own rhythm; some will find it easier to adapt, but others will have more difficulty. You have to be patient and give them time. According to experts, the most difficult age for children to adjust to a new family is between 10 and 14 years old.
• Rules. Children will encounter very different routines, customs and preferences in the new family. What was normal in one family will be strange in the other. For this reason, it is very important to establish some rules of coexistence in the new family. The new family nucleus must decide on these rules, with all its members. While it is good for both parents to maintain the same routines, these rules do not have to be the same in every home. Children can fully understand that each household has a different way of doing things and different rules. The important thing is that they know what is expected of them in each situation.

On the other hand

• Involve all members. In a blended family, it is important that all members feel recognized and important. To do this, it is essential to share activities, share responsibilities, agree on the rules and distribute space and time among all.
• Set limits. Don’t be afraid to set limits for the kids. A lot of parents feel bad because they think the situation is difficult enough for them. They fear that if they put limits on their children, they will turn on them.

So, although it is a vital change for children to see themselves in a new family nucleus, if these points are taken into account, the adaptation will be much easier for all, children and adults of blended families. .

Also, we must not forget that the new family will never be able to function like the original family, because it is not. If we eliminate these expectations of a “normal” family, we can also free ourselves from a lot of frustrations and make everything easier for everyone.